Ryan Lochte Damage Control Setting Is Off The Charts

The Douche-nozzle of the century, Ryan Lochte is now engaged. First of all, a month ago at the 2016 Rio Olympics, this guy claimed he didn't have a girlfriend. I'm assuming that was so he could swim upstream into every pair of panties he came across without the press getting too excited. Second, he has that whole did-she/didn't-she robbery story. The whole thing was a sorry mess, and we all know swimmers only bring in cash if they're making endorsement deals, so he needed to clean up his act. In this case, by marrying a playboy bunny.

Pictured above, is a duck-lipped Lochte kissing his gold medal with his Douche-In-Command, Big Eared McGee. I cant remember his name but when I do I will shout it out.

So who is Lochte marrying? Probably this girl:

Am I positive he is engaged to this girl? No. But she came up a lot when I searched "Ryan Lochte Engaged Images" and so I think that's quite enough investigative work for me. Nah, maybe I'll go find her name too. It's Kayle Rae Reid. And if that isn't a stripper name I don't know what is. She literally looks like every single girl. She's got some tits, some hair, some kinda face...I dunno. I bet she has a tonnnn of selfies on her instagram page, somewhere.
And now, because this is a NEW ERA for these two bloggers, I can include the instagram post he used to proclaim his upcoming nuptials to the world. His was to tell the globe he was in love (when mere months ago he truly denied having a girlfriend)...

That is right, it says "Memories Forever!!!! #thelochtes #LA" Congratulations, you can spell your own name and ALSO know what city you're currently in. We're so proud. We've forgotten all about the lies you told the police about getting robber when in reality you were urinating in public. Now you're engaged. All's well that ends well, I guess. 

I'm sorry, I believe I may not have explained to our readers that Ryan Lochte is not just known as an asshole, he's an idiot-asshole. And a really big idiot at that. He has own TV show for a while (MICHAEL PHELPS!!! YES!!) but I don't remember the name. He was a big dumb-dumb on that show. And allow me to regain my self respect...I watched it once in Mexico, where it was the only English TV available. If you're interested (and why would you be, this post has gone on long enough) there is a clip of his shows below. Its not the best clip, but it is certainly the first one I found.

- Genesis Pulsifer